ASPERGER'S SYNDROME

During my recent transition from age 63 to age 64, it became apparent that I suffer from AS (Asperger's Syndrome.) Suddenly, my lifelong struggles with social communication became more understandable.

My key relevant personal traits include:

• I dislike establishing eye contact,
• I am not very good at small talk, especially intimate bantering,
• I often fail to read other peoples' standard body language,
• I can talk forever, without pause, about some favorite topic,
• Any interviewing process can be difficult for me, especially in regards to people judging whether or not I am being truthful,
• I often assume that any comments or remarks require a response,
• I can occasionally make someone very angry because of the way I interact,
• I usually keep silent and do not interact, if faced with a question or topic that I cannot answer,
• I often respond angrily to frustrating situations,
• While I do participate in politics doing techie stuff, I cannot easily do things that require social interaction, especially with strangers,
• I dislike using the telephone, preferring email or person-to-person instead,
• In social situations with a lot of noise and conversations, I have trouble hearing, and easily get disoriented,
• I often do not care what other people think, nor do I succumb to peer pressure,
• I am often extremely depressed, which can lead me to ponder total dislocation from my current life situations as a solution,
• I usually resist any subjective changes in my personality. I never make any changes nonchalantly or on a whim, and I did not change from man to transwoman very willingly,
• I often feel rejected if an important project or idea gets a mixed or lukewarm response, and
• I often say things in conversation that are inappropriate, divergent, tactless, or non-sequitor.

Asperger and ASD and G.I.D.

AS is classed with autism, or ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder,) but it has little to do with any deficit in intelligence. Interestingly, our therapist said that he was going to bring up this subject, since I am not his only transwoman client with this kind of personality.
AS and G.I.D, can go together, but AS can also dwarf G.I.D., since G.I.D. in itself is only a psychological problem, not necessarily a social disability; however, since many transgendered persons end up being socially broken, the distinction can be irrelevant.
Working as a computer and technical analyst, like many AS persons, I did quite well and made good money for many years. However, I never had to pass a rigorous pre-employment interview with either ITT Federal Electric or with Boeing. Since HR employees often do not really understand all the technical stuff, interviewing skills have become more important than actual experience and ability.

My traits that may be AS atypical include:

• I have a fairly high risk-taking index,
• I am preferentially adapted to constant change in many (especially objective) areas of my life,
• While I may fearful or anxious in social situations, I have no fear about expressing myself as a woman in public, and
• I am extremely transsexually-oriented, which enables me to lead a successful life as a transwoman.

My positive attributes include:

• Age and experience constantly brings new insights and abilities, though my way of applying such can still be called eccentric,
• I am trying rational ways to deal both with my Asperger identity and my gender identity,
• I function a lot like a housewife, taking care of my wife, who is partially disabled,
• I never even think of cheating on my wife; it is really too complicated an idea,
• I am not into any pornography; I especially have no interest in she-males,
• I seldom ever drink alcoholic beverages, I do not drink coffee, and I do not smoke,
• I am not into habit-forming drugs, such as pain-killers and barbiturates; they all make me sick,
• I am fairly sensitive and service-oriented; however, I never evoke fake, saccharine sympathy or compassion,
• I tend to be very truthful: there is no padding in my resume, and descriptions of my life experience, especially as a transwoman, tend to be very precise; however, I do know how to use satire, hyperbole, fantasy, and absurdist humor,
• I am conscientious and try to do the right thing, but I have no particular desire to be right, and
• While I am somewhat selfish, I do make an effort to share.

My transgender expression attributes include:

• I want to look like the kind of people to which I am attracted: women,
• While I do have a strong desire to be anatomically correct, I do follow rules and endeavor not make such a desire the obsessive focus of my life,
• I view myself has having a woman-orientation first, and a female-orientation second,
• I do not view myself as a lesbian, nor do I view my wife and I as a lesbian couple,
• I really like to wear dresses and skirts, and do not find such attire to be the least bit inconvenient, but it has taken me years to feel confident enough to wear bright and colorful outfits,
• My AS personality allows me to go through the detailed process of getting all made up each day without getting tired or bored with it,
• I am not into lingerie, excessive high-heels, really short skirts, or any attention-getting activity; I am still, after all, a shy and introverted techie,
• My woman image is very passable, but I never make an effort to fool anyone, or to use fake ID, and
• I use only the women's restroom when dressed. I always present the body language that I belong there, and I have never had an incident of any kind.

Boys are afflicted more than girls

Boys suffer from Aspergers far more than girls. Boys with Aspergers function better by using more feminine traits than masculine traits in social interactions. There are hints that there might be a high incidence of transgender and transsexual behavior in boys with Aspergers, but many psychologists have blinders and do not believe that anyone can be both transgendered and have Aspergers. Also, parents are often driving the research, and they do not want to add gender identity problems to their boys' social disabilities.
Having Aspergers, along with G.I.D. (Gender Identity Disorder,) will most certainly lead to a very complicated, if not delayed, personality development.

High-functiong

I am extremely high-functioning, even though I have a form of ASD. I am married, which by far the majority of Asperger boys will never manage. I credit this to my transwoman-identity, which improves my social skills from zilch to mediocre. I also have to thank my wife, since she helps me smooth over my social awkwardness and improve my woman-image.  Successful Asperger males often have a helpful non-Asperger wife or partner.
Having Asperger's Syndrome explains why I could never predict where my gender identity was going, since I have to learn or explore how to interact in each subjective situation. Once I had gained several years experience being a transwoman, it became clear that I was transsexual.
Still, I can never interact in a normal subjective manner, such as NT (neurologically-typical) people do so well without pausing to reflect. While I might do stupid things in my own way, I do not do the same stupid things that NT people do; they often behave irrationally, while at the same time they can claim to be perfectly logical!
Since I am well-known for being highly rational, my friends were mystified at first when I switched gender.

Inadequate healthcare as a transsexual

I have already learned that I can have trouble getting adequate healthcare as a transsexual, because I do not fit a standard profile.  Healthcare providers often want clients to be properly and exclusively obsessive about just their gender identities, but I am somewhat obsessive about almost everything, not just my gender identity. 

Action points

I once thought my underlying gender identity was controlling my psyche, but now I realize that it was Aspergers that was controlling the various action points, which were often years apart.

• My earliest-remembered discrimination occurred in 1948 at age six, when I was interviewed by two old ladies for entry into elementary school. I cried and also did not answer their questions the way they wanted. They effectively set me back a year by entering me into Junior Primary, a now discarded remedial program, instead of the first grade.
• At age eleven, I dressed in my mother's clothes for the first time. I was terrified about being found out, and I also viewed it as annoyingly irrational behavior. I suppressed dealing with it for the next 36 years.
• I was narrowly focused through public schooling, and did not start to loosen up until I graduated at age 18.
• Throughout public school, I thought women and dating were irrelevant, but I changed my mind and went on my first date, with Barbara, at age 19.
• While in college, I had another date with Mary Lee, a science-oriented woman with whom I graduated from high school. I blew the friendship by immaturely discussing marriage when there was no reason to discuss marriage. Through the remainder of my college years, and during my tour in the Air Force, I failed to get any more dates and gave up any further attempts for a while.
• I got drafted in 1965, and joined the Air Force to avoid getting drafted. I was given an assignment as a Scientific Assistant at Kirtland AFB, NM. I was definitely not suited for the military.
• After my Air Force tour, while I worked for ITT Federal Electric on Vandenberg AFB, I went on my third date, at age 28. I tried computer dating, but the most of the women I met had social problems equal to or greater than mine.
• I briefly dated a young woman named Tina and another named Cheryl in the mid 1970's. Cheryl may have dropped body language hints to make the relationship more serious, but I was totally incapable of responding to any subtle, non-verbal language.
• After I moved back to Washington State to work for Boeing, I went on my sixth date at age 35. At this time, I learned to take risks by meeting women on the radio program called The Loveline. Risk-taking was effective, but it was still not much of a social skill.
• I met my wife during my third appearance on The Loveline. I married her in 1980, at age 37; however, my lack of normal social skills did create problems, as well as my continued refusal to deal with my gender identity issues.
• In 1984, at age 42, I had to get a new job at a different department at Boeing. I was warned that I had developed a reputation for being difficult to work with, so I made a conscientious and successful effort to be more customer-oriented.
• At age 47, in 1989, I reached a new level of maturity: my desire to deal with my gender identity became greater than all perceived types of embarrassment. I went to work on Halloween crossdressed, wearing women's clothes for the first time in 36 years.
• I did not know what to do with my new passion: crossdressing. In 1994, at age 50, I reluctantly joined the Emerald City transgender social club.
• In 1996, at age 54, on Halloween at work, I made my first passable presentation as a woman.
• In 1997, at age 55, my wife and I started seeing a therapist. In early 1998, we went to the Esprit Transgender conference in Port Angeles, Washington, for the first time. It was at this time where I started taking training and advice, and my wife began to move from an unsupportive role to a more supportive role.
• By the year 2000, at age 58, my frequency of expression approached 50%. This was partly facilitated by our move to a new house, and the acceptance of Romana as a member of the household.
• In January 2002, I joined my local Unity church, because the time was right and because they were supportive of my gender identity issues.
• I requested the right to crossdress at work, but it was denied. In October 2002, I was laid-off, due in part to my gender activism, but due mostly to my undiagnosed Asperger personality.
• While attending classes for Microsoft Certifications in 2003, I met a nice blond woman named Vicki, and we became friends. I managed this with no improper comments, behavior, or even thoughts; after all, I was married.
• In early 2005, at age 62, I got a new wig, approved both by my wife and my stylist. Though I viewed it as too prissy, it did make me look like a woman, and people stopped reading me, or, at least, they stopped staring at me. By mid year, I made the unconscious decision to present full-time.
• Early this year (2006,) at age 63, I realized that I suffered from Asperger's Syndrome. Now we have two issues to deal with involving my personality! However, we may finally make actual progress to improve my social disabilities.

No second-guessing

I simply cannot second-guess myself; when I first started to crossdress in 1989, there was not even a hint that I would establish a successful transwoman identity sixteen years later.  Such is the nature of having Asperger’s Syndrome.

I still have a social-disability

I mistakenly thought when I became a woman, all my social problems would vanish. Being a woman makes me feel more powerful, because it allows me to explore Subjective Reality in ways previously impossible, but it does not does not solve all my problems. I am no longer so naive about my new social prowess, and have pulled back while I study how to interact. I simply cannot subliminally recognize and integrate all the cultural cues for social interaction.

There are other points of view!

We live in a culture where people are often divided into polarized camps, believing opposite points of view on various topics, many of which can be very irrelevant and trivial compared to other societal problems. It is a fallacy of our age that so many things can be reduced to binary possibilities.
I want to explore the nature of reality, and I do not perceive a binary universe, especially not one that is anthropocentric. I am open to many possibilities, especially to the existence and nature of a possible God, who does not control us, who is not a spoiled and bratty worldly God, and whose vision of reality is never trivial or constant.
I mix and match everything. Combining Buddhism and Christianity, just as Samsara (phenomenal existence) and Nirvana (unconditional reality) are an essential unity, so too are God and Subjective Reality an essential unity.

Science is about the exploration of Objective Reality, while philosophy is about the exploration of Subjective Reality. Life is also about the exploration of Subjective Reality; while I do not navigate Subjective Reality very well, I can explore the inherent joy and imagery of being a woman.

Psychology is the study of how people navigate of Subjective Reality, based on so-called normative standards. I now prefer philosophy to psychology, since philosophy is about reality and the big picture, not about explaining why particular people do certain things. I have a knack for seeing things much differently than the way NT persons perceive the same reality. This has led me to become a Process Theologian, which is a philosophical pursuit that can offend both atheists and theists alike; so appropriate for my Asperger identity!