Romana's Self-Assessment

What I am saying here is quite different than what I had said just a couple of years ago, due to a somewhat clueless understanding of my inner nature, and due to my gradual rate of real-life progression. My understanding of myself is closely tied to my interactive real life experiences, and my specific expression is always changing and in motion. I am also constantly changing my mind, which should not be surprising, since I am moving toward a more feminine persona.
The overriding reason for my expression as a transwoman, in preference to being a man, is that my life works better that way. My lifelong speech impediment, severe stammering, almost magically vanished. I am socially and politically involved, though not without a certain amount of discrimination; however, I am never sure whether people are uncomfortable with me as a transwoman, or because I am a shy, introverted analyst, a techie.
When dressed as a woman, not only do I feel free to express myself emotionally and stylistically as a woman, I also feel free to transgress many limitations that are placed on women. After all, we share one feature with genetic women: they are practically never given permission to be themselves. I actually prefer dresses and skirts to men's clothing, especially since, whenever I wear a suit and a tie, I practically burn up from overheating. Due to a strong sense of individuality, I really do not want to look like everyone else. In man-mode, this can lead to unwanted cultural policing, but in woman-mode, this is considered standard operating procedure.

The elements of my personality and my journey do not necessarily seem to be complementary:

A generation ago, people like myself did not get to express their true gender nature at all. The more trails we blaze, the more types of trans-persons will come out and identify themselves. A key ingredient of my expression is fitting into the world, not fitting particular definitions.

I am extremely fortunate to have a wife who is ultra supportive, despite the fact that none of this is her idea. Other couples often wonder how we do this, but there is no simple answer. I can think is that my wife somewhat agrees with my self-assessment, subject to a considerable amount of discussion and evaluation.

There are certain characteristics of my expression that make it more feasible and promote spousal support:

My wife is ultra supportive, despite the fact that she is not exactly thrilled about my alternate gender expression. While my wife is extremely helpful to make sure that I master the basics and look proper as a woman, I am driving the whole process. I know how this gender thing works for a lot of other couples, and almost none of these couples are so bold that they go just about anywhere, even in the same social settings, no matter how the husband might be dressed. We do not play any games of trading privileges for other privileges, or labeling my behavior as being good or bad, just because I am expressing myself as a woman. However, I do try to be extra attentive to my wife's needs, so that our life is not all about my gender expression, but she says our life always revolves around my alternate gender identity, causing her unwanted emotional stress.

I try to set boundaries and limitations on myself, but I have already learned that, in my case, static conditions simply do not work. If I were a simple crossdresser, my situation would be more straight forward, but I am now functioning much like a woman, a transwoman, to be more correct. There is nothing wrong with being a crossdresser; the problem for me is that, I want some kind of legal status, but there is now a cultural war under way, waged by right-wing extremists, to prevent crossdressers from gaining any legal status. It is not just the fact I really prefer to be wearing dresses and skirts; there are some key attributes of my expression that indicate the nature and the severity of my gender identity:

I have lived a fairly clueless life, ignoring all the obvious indicators for my true identity. I now freely admit that I am transsexually-oriented. However, since I now view myself to be much more like a woman than a man, I end up in this Catch-22 situation, where, as a woman, I do not get to do whatever I want. As a woman, I have to be relationship oriented. This is not about being good or bad; it is about working to manage the problem, while dropping expectations of finding actual solutions. This is why I have chosen a methodology of expression that will not be constant, and will actually vary all the time.

My expression is pretty much unbounded, but I do have to follow rules, or else my wife would not trust me. The following rules are not likely to change:

Definitions are important; unfortunately, they have become part of turf wars in the trans-community, which even include total denial of all connections to and sole proprietorships of these definitions. Definitions often serve to establish whatever legal status is possible, so many will view any changes in scope as a form of hijacking.
Technically, I am transsexual, except for the notion of being trapped in the wrong body, based on the original meaning of the word, before gender reassignment became readily available. Since I have been advised that I ought not define myself that way, I usually refer to myself as a transwoman, extremely transgendered, or even a serious crossdresser, living a dual-gendered life. I do not like being referred to as a T-girl, as a trannie, or as a transgenderist. These terms simply do not convey the serious degree of my true gender identity.
My assessment of myself is not a spur-of-the-moment thing, since it only comes after accumulating more than two years worth of recent real life experience.

I express myself publicly without the benefit of any kind of woman identification. I once thought I passed really great, and many have told me how well I passed, but I now wonder if a lot of this skill is just self delusion. I think I actually succeed by just boldly presenting myself as if I belong there, while creating a comfortable looking image at the same time. Sometimes I warn people, but I do not give perfect strangers any kind of a warning. I once thought I would have to explain things, but I have dropped that idea, since I have discovered that most people actually do not want to discuss complex gender issues. By not explaining anything, I also do not get into the trap of evaluating whether people are conservative or liberal, or religious (especially fundamentalist) or non-religious. In a one-on-one situation, people's philosophies do not predict how they are going to react (to me.)
I never pretend to be a genetic woman, so there is no element of deceit in my presentation. I am not stealthy, just discreet, while trying to minimize the impact I have on people. I tend to disorient cashiers, and probably others, at times.
I have been told that I have no fear when expressing myself as a transwoman. This alone can get me a long way in the real world.

I am still trying to figure out how I fit into any kind of gender spectrum. There is some evidence that the largest subgroup of seriously transgendered persons is husbands who could be described as non-transitioning transsexuals. We learn to express ourselves, while maintaining our support systems, without attracting a lot of attention.
Not long ago, I was in total denial of my transgendered nature. I have not adjusted to any of this without a great deal of resistance. Until recently, I did not even think I was a feminine person, despite all the indicators to the contrary. Still, even though I often explore new styles of women's clothing, I would not be caught dead in 80% of the range of what women wear.

Things I have done en femme:

Things I have not yet done en femme:

August 25, 2005